07.03.02
trial of faith
My humor about all this is wearing thin.
Last night the depression set in about me being a psuedo-parapalegic. I couldn't fall asleep. I kept wanting to cry, but all I could get out was a few good sobs and that was it.
Granted, this is only temporary. There are others who have to deal with this for the rest of their lives, but it is so hard to see myself with physical limitations. I mean, I was the tri-varsity letterman in high school, I love getting in my car and go wherever the road takes me, I love to dance, and rollerblade, and ride my bike and go snowboarding.
This is not the real me: crawling to the bathroom and hoisting my self up on the toilet; sitting on the couch watching tv on a beautiful summer day, staying indoors alone waitiing for someone - anyone to come back and pay attention to me.
I'm depressed about work. Not like that's anything new, but I feel trapped. I looked into disability, but I'd have to go through all my vacation days BEFORE I could collect disability, and that would only be 80% of my salary. *sigh*
This is the toughest thing I think I've ever had to face because there is so much that is completely out of my control.
1:02 p.m.
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Reading
"Notes From A Small Island"
by Bill Bryson
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