2001-02-10
flashback
so here i am on this saturday, hanging out in my pajamas, listening to 80's music (right now Squeese is on - 'coffee in bed'), and cleaning my apartment. i haven't done that in...weeks? months?
i was up early this morning sending out my resume to job boards, seaching jobs, updating my website.
there's so much to do, but i don't have the attention span to finish one before startng the other.
i can't think of anything original to write today, so instead i'll add an entry from my journal from not to long ago...
1.25.01
why do i feel so wierded out? is it because i'll be in vermont with t tomorrow for the whole weekend - knowing that he likes me? really likes me. shouldn't i be excited? well, i am. but nervous, too. why? we're still the friends we were last week. i feel like we've been intimate with words.
what if the expectations are too high? what if i loose this aura that has consumed me? what if i revert back to dull, lifeless, shadow of me? i feel as if i rediscovered myself through my freedom. if i loose my freedom, will i loose myself? i'm scared.
maybe this has nothing to do with him - but of 'the chase' that has begun. all i've everexperienced about the chase is that who ever wins, really loses.
t's playful - and perverted. if i knew it was all innocent, i'd be the same way. but i'm cautious. i watch what i say. i don't want to promise anything i won't deliver on.
or what if i fall for him completely? could i hold onto that? could i let myself be loved?
i'm not who i was 6 months ago, 1 month ago - last week. does he really have anything to do with it or is it all coinsidence?
jeez - all i want to do is snowboard? i want to tear that mountain up. i want to ride like a tiger. i don't want to have anyone wait up for me. i want to take off running.
16:35:17
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Reading
"Notes From A Small Island"
by Bill Bryson
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