2001-01-19
dear matthew
"dear matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that
I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in california
I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song"
'unsent' - alanis morissette
it's exactly 5 years to the month since matt and i started - whatever you call it. friendship - now. but i guess it was always friendship. i can still remember that first date:
January 1996
he ripped my name out of the sub book so i could go to john v's party. i was so excited to be spending time with him.
we had gone to the mall first to kill some time. then we went into staten island to john's place. we were there pretty early - at least there wasn't anyone there yet. we went out to get something to eat and we wound up going back to new jersey - jose texas for strawberry margaritas and nachos. things were going very well.
we went back to john's and the party had started. but as soon as he walked in with me, there was a hush. matt's two most recent exes were there. amanda liked me, but shana didn't. at all. matt was preoccupied for most of the time arguing with one or the other. i entertained myself by hanging out with ralph teaching myself how to spin a beer bottle in my palm. you would think i'd be pissed, but i thought it was silly. it wasn't my fight, why should i care?
the party was winding down so matt and i left. he brought me back to my car at friday's. i waited with him in his jeep while my car warmed up. by this time it started to flurry.
so we sat there in the warmth of the jeep and we could feel the warmth growing in the both of us. matt has the most gorgeous, deep blue eyes that you could lose yourself in - and i did. we had been flirting with each other for weeks and now here we were.
he said he was sorry that people thought that we were there together. that's ok, i didn't mind.
the butterflies in my stomach started.
"would it be alright if i thought we were there together?" asked matt. i smiled. "no, i didn't mind that either." we looked at each other, i crawled into his lap (which was difficult in the front seat with the stick shift in the way), and we kissed. we kissed like we knew each other all our lives. we sat there in each others arms, neither of us wanting this night to end. "so let's not let it," i said. we went down the shore and wound up in seaside. i think he showed me the beach house his family used to have in lavalette and the bay-front gazebo he used to hang out in.
we stopped in this motel a few blocks from the beach. matt went in to get a room. by this time the snow was starting to stick. he came back with a silly grin. "the lady in the office said that we had to stay in the same bed and not mess up the other one."
he seemed as nervous as a schoolboy. i felt like a tiger. we were making out on the bed and he took off (or i did,i don't remember) my shirt and jeans. i had the cutest, sexiest underwear set. i planned ahead. for a moment he just stared. i showed him my tattoo - i don't think he could believe it. i liked surprising him. i had one more. i attacked him. yup - i initiated it.
i had the greatest, craziest most intense night of sex i had ever known up to that point. hey, i was only 22. but now at 27...hmmmmm. it still ranks up there.
i woke up the next morning to the sound of trucks. i looked out the window to about a foot and a half of snow!
getting home was almost as much fun. luckily we had 4 wheel drive, but that didn't stop us from doing a 360 in the middle of the street. in between our laughter during the 2 1/2 hour drive back we had to stop so many times to scrape the ice off the windshield. and that became the start of 'us'.
---------------
January 2001
coming home down rt.1, i get a phone call from matt at 10:00 pm. he was doing nothing and wanted to know if i wanted to come down the shore and do nothing together. well, i was on my way home to do nothing anyway, so why not. i could've just turned right on to rt. 18 and get there, but i had to get home first. i needed to fix myself up, put on makeup, change my shoes, get some beer, my photo portfolio - and change my underwear. who knows?
i made it to belmar at 10:45.
matt's place is cute, small, but difinately cute. there was no wierdness at all. instantly we were talking about his dad's death, relationships, happiness, laughing about 'us'. we played poker for silly bets: 2 minutes of flair, removal of shirt/pants, truths... yet it all remained on a friend level.
he asked me what expectations i had about coming over. i said none - i didn't tell him about me changing my underwear. we might have gotten to a certain point, but one of us would've had enough sense to not let it go anywhere.
in all, it was a perfect night, despite the call matt got letting him know that someone came into his work working for him - with a gun! we talked like old friends more than old lovers. he also told me that i was the first real adult relationship he ever had. (then i had to go and pressure him about graduating :( )
the most profound thing he told me was that there was no 'one person' out ther for me. that wouldn't make sense, what if my 'one person' was a criminal in jail? he said there were hundreds of people out there, i just didn't know it yet. i was so upset about being 'almost 30' and having to start all over again. he reminded me that the starting over was the best part! all the nervous excitement, the 'is he gonna call?', butterflies in the stomach feeling is what makes being in a relationship so much fun. i shouldn't be miserable dwelling on the breakup, but i should be happy that i have the next relationship to look forward to.
in that instant my outlook had changed. he was so right! five years ago he broke my heart, but here he is healing it again. how lucky i am to have a friend like that! he may have his commitment issues, but his girlfriend is very lucky to have him.
at four in the morning and 6 beers and a shot later, it was time to crash. i took his bed and he took the couch. it was so surreal! i cuddled under his blankets, looked around his room and buried my head in his pillows and breathed him all in. a small part of me wished he'd come back upstairs and cuddle with me, but then i drifted off into a nice, warm, comforting sleep.
i was up again at 8:00 am but i didn't want to ruin this moment by moving. i curled under the down comforter and looked at the pictures in his room: him skydiving, his dad, his family, his girlfriend. i was so happy that i was able to be here. to soak it all in and be a part of his life. he was so happy - he was doing exactly what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it, he was surrounded by great freinds and family and he was making $$.
at 10 am i heard him wake up and i made my way downstairs. we both had to start our days but we agreed that it was a very peculiar, odd, but nice night. matt said that if i was down to take pictures to call him - or if i needed anything.
thank you, matt. you have helped more than you'll ever know!
15:09:16
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"Notes From A Small Island"
by Bill Bryson
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